Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as
ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?